Title? We don't need no stinking title!

So. It's been a few days now. A fair bit has happened. I'll start off with good, and slowly drift into the inevitable not so good. I'm learning Viola. That's a good thing. I got to play the Mermaid. A priceless violin, that sells for 30 thousand dollars. It was quite frightening, actually. I didn't want to touch it. Well, I got to hang out with Wes and Joe over the weekend, that was good. Jake was being a freak, and what not, and didn't hang out on saturday. Whatever. Ok, let's just jump into the inevitable not so good. Nothing is happening between Christine and I no more than a friendship basis. Good for her, I suppose. Not so good for me. Umm... Well I won't go into details on that, mostly because I don't know exactly what is classified and what isn't. I do know this is in the open, though: She still loves McKray. No surprise to anyone, I'm sure. I am really happy that she has Love in her life, I just hope that it isn't like it was before, because that wasn't good for anyone, and everyone knows it. Well, I went to bed before I finished this, so this is what you get.

Hate

Look, I am tired of hate. We can't go around in this life just hating everyone, or even anyone. I am tired of being angry. I'm tired of being the kid that scowls, that doesn't speak, that people are afraid of. I've seen those looks in the halls, while I am playing, and I'm tired of it. Right now, I'd like to apologize to pretty much everyone. I doubt most of these people will read this, but I gotta say it.

Mom - I'm sorry I stopped caring about school. I know I shouldn't have fucked up so bad, and I know that I could have done better, but the fact of the matter is that I fucked up, and I'm trying to fix it. I realize that I am a disappointment, but I'm working on fixing my life up.

Dad - I'm sorry that I'm not really involved with the family as much as I probably should be. Over the summer I separated myself as much as I could. I've been trying to be less hostile, and it's going alright, but it'll take a lot more work.

Grandma and Grandpa - I really hated the fact that you guys were moving into the backyard. I really did. I thought, "Great, Grandpa comes and lectures me when he is here once a month, now it's every day!" But it's not that bad. I sometimes think that Grandpa is just a stupid old man, but really, I know he knows a hell of a lot more than me, and I should listen to him, no matter how much he makes me feel stupid.

Matt - I'm sorry I'm so hostile towards you. I know I shouldn't be, and that I should just be alright with you, but it's hard when I am constantly being put down. I know it's just "brotherly love" but it needs to be toned down on both are parts. I'm always here if you need sound run for a small show.

Jill - Too many times I have called you a bitch. I realize you are out there on your own now, and your trying to deal with that, and you have been pretty nice to me, and understanding. Please, Jill, if you read this, chill out about Christine, I really like her, and she's a great girl, just give her another shot, with an open mind. There is always way too much miscommunication. I'm sorry I haven't helped to clear up the miscommunication, but if you ever need something explained about what's going on with me, just ask, don't assume. I'm always here if you want to talk and figure things out.

Christine - I like you. A lot. I know you know this, and you have said you like me, but sometimes it doesn't seem like you do. I'm sorry I assume waaaay too much. Too many times I've just gone with what everyone else says, and not what you say, or not even confronted you about it. I'm sorry I assume it all. I've been working on it, and just getting shit out on the table. I love you, don't ever stop being the great person you are.

Joe - I'm sorry I can be such an ass hole to you. It's really not what I intend on doing, but I do it. Sometimes it isn't even to your face. I know, I know, it's fucked up, and I'm stopping. Enough of my stupid drama bull shit, and time to get on with living my life, without putting others down and belittling them over things I don't even know the half of. I love ya, man, your fucking family.

McKray - God, where to start. I've been such a fucking ass hole to you, it's not even funny. You weren't always nice to me, but when you would try to fix things, I would just throw it all in your face, and dismiss it as bullshit. This was wrong. I shouldn't have done it. Yeah, we've had our differences, but you know what, it's nothing we can't overcome. I hope you're doing well with the MC. Hooah!

Tyson - I find you extremely annoying at times, and I have a somewhat short fuse with you. I should really have more patience, and I know I can, I just have to do it. I admit, sometimes I just ignore the phone calls, and try to get away from you. I really need to just be upfront with you a lot more, and stop trying to drop hints. I need to express how I feel about you, and let you know when it's time for us to split ways.

Mr. Mo - I pulled a lot of shit on you. I must say, I absolutely hated you. I thought that you were a complete failure as a band director. I'm sorry I always dissed you, and bad mouthed you, and was a general insurgent. I won't say I liked you, or that I do now. I'm sorry I was such an ass to you, and a thorn in the bands foot. I should have been more supportive of all your methods, to try and help the band be more supportive and ultimately, learn more. I'm sorry.

Rich - I pulled a lot of shit you will probably never know. Only my techie friends will ever know that shit. I'm sorry for it, all the same.

Well, that's not everyone, but all for now. Next week I will probably continue the list. It's two in the morning now, and I think I ought to go to sleep. Today, Tuesday, October 17, 2006, I declare that I am starting a new lifestyle. A new me. One who is kinder to people, more understanding, less assuming, and generally, a nicer person. Goodnight, Blog

Jared

Goddamn

So I haven't posted in a few days. First off, I'm changing schools. There is at least a 50% chance of me going to Mill Creek for the rest of my schooling, and if not Mill Creek, Pine View, if they accept me, that is. So I have to say, I am fucking stupid. I pine over this girl, and when it comes down to it, I'm stupid. She says one stupid little thing and it gets to me, and I don't express myself like I should. Oh, fuck the pronoun game. So I was hanging out with Christine, and she said something about her being a terrible person, not everyone needs to know the details, well it got to me. It really did, not that I said it did, but I knew she knew, and she knew I knew she knew. She kept asking me "what?" meaning, "What is wrong?" or possibly, "what are you thinking?" and I kept saying "Nothing." or "I don't know," both of which, are complete lies. So we were listening to Evanesence, and she knows the song Anywhere means a lot to me emotionally, and I think she put it on just to see how I would react. Well, I kissed her, but this time, she didn't kiss back. That was another big deterrence. But when I sit back down, she is smiling at me. Am I wrong in being completely confused by this? So she gets a phone call from someone, and says "I'm going now." So I walk her out as usual, and I give her a hug, as usual. See, I usually kiss her goodbye. For some stupid fucking reason, I couldn't. I looked at her, and I felt like a 2 inch pig weight dropped in my stomach. Maybe I am getting too attached. I know I'm not the only guy for her, and I realize I will never live up to some stuff that Mckray has done, and Joe, if you're reading this, he did do some good before he left. I can't live up to that, and I know it. Not to mention that there is basically a fucking fan club dedicated to having feelings toward Christine. Great, this makes my odds wonderful, and boosts my confidence. She could pick any one of them, shit, any three of them. Maybe I thought that I was the only guy for her right now. Ok, I did think that. Maybe I was wrong. I haven't been "the only guy" for someone in a long time. At least a year now. Even then, I knew the girl had feelings for other guys, because it's highschool, and that's what is supposed to happen, but shit. Who knows, maybe I was right. Shit, I need to talk to her, she's off to meet someone somewhere, though. Maybe I'll call her later. Well, I know one thing. She's the only girl for me.

Ok, so I haven't posted in a few days

Ok, yeah, so what's up? That's cool. So I think I will give you the details as of late in backwards order. So today we moved in my grandparents into their new house in the back yard. Shit. I didn't want them to move in, but oh well, too late now. Ok, Friday: I leave school 12:00, and head up to Salt Lake with my family -Jill. My dad, Matt, and I go to Gigantour, which is a giant metal show with about 8 or 9 metal bands. The first opening band we saw sucked a lot of ass. The second band, Overkill, was from the 80s and had some talent, but not too much creativity. The third band was Arch Enemy. They have a female grunt vocalist. Very neat. They had talent, but not very good sound quality. Now, Opeth comes out. That is the whole reason we went. Opeth was AMAZING!!!! They were funny, too. So much talent, and great sound quality. Now, Lamb of God played... They were silly. It really was silly. I swear they just played the same song over and over with different lights. We left before Megadeth played. It was loads of fun. Ok, so I have been hanging out with Christine a lot. I really really like her. I cherish any moment I can actually hang out with her, seeing as she lives in Cedar. I just wished she would call more often, but I understand she has a job, and homework, and whatnot. So yeah... That's all that's really been up lately. Oh, and tech. Lots and lots of tech, still. But yeah, Moving my grandparents, seeing metal shows, hanging out with a beautiful, wonderfully exquisite girl, and teching. There it is. My life. Oh, and hanging out with Joe and Jake. I like doing that on occasion, too. Miss you guys. I have such a fucking easy life, it's starting to piss me off.

The previous posts

Look, I don't know what happened last night. I just exploded, and I don't know why. I think I was on my period... yeah... Sorry about that. So I would just like to say: Christine, I'm sorry for what I said in those posts, I can't take it back, but I can tell you that I don't think it anymore. It is the first time I have even remotely thought that. I guess I just let my doubt and depression get the better of me. Christine, you are a wonderful, beautiful person, and I feel that I am privileged to know you at all, let alone as well as I do. I'm sorry. I love you.

Jared

Yeah, all that, and I love her all the same.

=(

Fuck. This fucking sucks. You know what I hate? Crying myself to sleep. You know what I hate more? Not having a good fucking reason! Fuck!!!!!!!!! I. GOD. FUXCCKJL!!!! She kisses me, and tells me it will never work, she says one thing, and does another. I hate it! She once told me a kiss meant something, that it was special. FUCK. If it was so special, why not try a little courtesy? You didn't even fucking return my god damn phone call. You know what I realized? That whenever I want to talk to you, I have to make contact. When I want to see you, I invite you, and hope, fucking pray, that you can fit me in, for only a minute. You know, I doubt she even ever really cared. Sure, she says she does, and acts like it...sometimes... I doubt she ever told anyone that she kissed me, and does kiss me. I can't stand it. I asked her if by kissing me, she wanted to take things farther than just flirting, and you know what she said "You and I both know it would be hard." Yeah, I know it wouldn't be easy, but shit, what the fuck good is something if it's fucking easy? Sure, you don't want a fucked up relationship, and if it got bad, sure, end it, but not even try, not because you say it's not worth it, which you never said, you said because it's hard. And it really cheeses my fucking goat when you say your done with that FUCKBAG of a person, Mckray Jones, and still talk to him, and do shit with him. FUCK! Why the fuck do my stupid fucking problems look even stupider written out???? GOD! Now this is just making me realize how fucking stupid I am, first off for thinking I had a chance with you, and second, for thinking my stupid fucking problems actually mean a shit to anyone else. I'm alone in this fucking world, better get used to it, I have a ways to go.


FUCK!